DESTINY OR A TRADITION

I want you to know that our passes are not important, however, they help us in shaping our future. My experience is a valuable resource that I can not denied you, that is way our elders says that ‘the vulture is always thankful to God for the life of the elders, who continue to tell the young once that it is not food for consumption. This was the advice; Mama Kande gave to her only daughter Fatima.

Even though Mama Kande would have wished to have more than one child, called it a destiny or tradition, she did not have that opportunity. So as one thing lead to another, she would not sit to see her only daughter suffer the same circumstance that she had gone through. Experience they say is the best teacher.

Mama Kande, as she was popularly called was borne into a traditional home, the only doubter of six (6) siblings, were the elder are always right. As their tradition demand, a baby can grow-up, to become a man’s wife, if that man was so fortunate, to come to the home and coincide with the bird of this baby girl.

Papa Grandoo was such a lucky man. He came to Mama Kande parent home at the time Mama Kande was delivered. All what Papa grandoo needed to do was to cut the emblical code as aspect the tradition is always called. This is done by given out a cola-nut to the parent of the newly borne baby and announce to the parents that the child is your wife. So went Mama Kande was borne, Papa Grandoo gave out some money, representing the Cola-nut and pronounce that Mama Kande was his wife. The parents of Mama Kande gave their concerned to Papa Grandoo proposal. This means that when Mama Kande grow-up; she would be Papa Grandoo second wife.

The parents and the will-be husband will now joint hands to take care of Mama Kande, so that she can grow-up to be a responsible wife and mother. To papa grandoo, she always organized farmers “gbariba” to go to his will be in-laws parents to farm for them. Whenever, he goes to farm he would carry along a heavy bundle of firewood to the mother of the child. Sometime, he buys a sack of charcoal for them. These are all in the form of showing appreciation to his will be in-laws.

As the tradition, demand, Mama Kande must marry Papa Grandoo because if she refused it would be consider as an abomination and her punishment will be that, the parent will disown her. She will no longer be their child. The calf does not refuse to follow the mother, and breast milk whilst at home.

Eventually, when Mama Kande turned 22, she was given out to Papa Grandoo as a wife. At this time papa grandoo was 63 years of age. Been a peasant farmer, papa grandoo was so weak, that many wonder whether or not such a beautiful, respectful and honest young lady like Mama Kande would marry to such a man. However, who was she to refuse her parent orders, and break the long time relationship that Papa Grandoo has build with her family over the years. The backbone of every family lies on its integrity and the ability to honor promise, especially long term promise.

Many, who wonder, however, did to know that Papa Grandoo has lost his fertility. He could not at the age of 63 perform activity on bed. That means that night duty with Mama Kande was out of the question. But who was she to let the cat out of the back. It would mean, she was intentionally, refusing to obey her parents. So Mama Kande could not give birth and continued to stay in her matrimonies home for 17 years.

In the tradition of typical African, a man or a woman is respected by the number of children they have. So when Mama Kande could not give birth at such a long time in her matrimonial home, member of the community started pointing accusing finger at her. The normal delay for woman to give birth, when she gets marry is 3 years. How could she not be pregnant, when she is married for four years now? Could she have used her fertility for witchcraft. The world is really wonderful, how can she do such a thing. These were among many discussions that members of the community often held to discuss Mama Kande and humiliate her. It was obvious that she was at fault, because Papa grandoo had three children with his former wife.

Nobody could tell the scuffle that ensure with Papa Grandoo and her formal wife. The formal wife was very respectful and obedience, so members of the community accord her a lot of respect. Everything went well with her and Papa Grandoo, when they got married.  It was when the third child, who happened to be their last child, that thing stated going the opposite direction. She most often quarrels with Papa Grandoo which was usually of her. People did not know the cause of their quarrels. She says Papa Grandoo want to sack her and bring Mama Kande into the house, what a wonderful world. Other says she was fighting the outsider in a clandestine manner. This fighting continued, until one day, when his former wife could not longer bare it and decided to park bags and baggage and left Papa Grandoo.

It was the following year after her depatchure that, Mama Kande  came to marry Papa Grandoo as the promised/tradition demands, and up to now she is yet to bear a fruit of the her womb. Could it be the work of the former wife, could it be her problem or Papa Grandoo problem these and many question, that the people of the community often asked. As long as the sun continue to rise in the east and sat in the west nothing can hide for ever, time they say will tell.

Fortunately, for Mama Kande, in their tradition, there is a way of determining whether the husband is at fault or the wife. This is done by carrying out the traditional test.  Although there is scientific way of determining whether or not the woman is fertile, they do not believe in that. They believed in what their fore fathers left for them.

So, in Mama Kande seventeen years of been in her matrimonial home, a test is to be conducted to determine whether or not the problem is from her or it is from the husband. This test is done by both clans agreeing to do the test. When Mama Kande clan agreed, Papa Grandoo clan too, agreed that the traditional test would be the best to judge.

A day was set, for the test to be conducted. This test is done with two representatives from both clans; a male and a female. What they do is that, these two representatives from both clans will send the couple into a room and let them show their masculinity and femininity practically. If the man is able to perform satisfactorily, then, the fault is from the women. However, if the man is not able to perform, then the fault is from him. So a suitable day was to be fixed by Papa grandoo clan and Mama Kande clan for the test to be performed. Traditionally there are only two days-Wednesday and Saturday that this test is conducted. So both clans agreed on the Saturday that will come after two markets days of their traditional area.

The elders for Papa Grandoo slept in his house before that very Saturday, thus in the eve of the D-day. And in the night the elders who came far and near to participate in the test gathered all the three children of Papa Grandoo on the compound. He told them a story about the “Kpatindaringa” (thus the spider).  One upon a time there was a village called Bangyilli. The chief of the village instructed that nobody should backbite about the other. Who ever does so and caught will be a food to one of whom he backbite. When the spider heard this, he quickly went to the land near the foot path that leads to the market square. All the villagers knew about how hard the land was and could not be farm even in rainy season. When it was a Market day, spider went to the land with his hoe pretending to be farming. He first lay under tree and when he realized that ostrich was passing, spider started farming, ‘kub’ ‘kub’ kub’ let me tail this land and sow seas mine. Ostrich said, energetic people have tried to cultivate this land and they couldn’t how more you and laugh at spider. Spider said haven you heard that no one should backbit about the other. He arrested Ostrich and the chief order that spider should consume ostrich.  There came the term of Hare and spider consumes Hare too. As spider was carrying out this dubious activity, Monkey was watching. On the third market day Monkey came before spider and when spider saw Monkey trying to till the land, then when spider was coming he saw monkey on land. Spider said a pretender; you (monkey) are trying to copy me. Monkey said I have caught you. You are backbiting about me. Monkey arrested spider and the chief order that spider should be use as food. Spider told Monkey in the process of cooking him, when he (monkey) sees any bubble on top of the boiling water, monkey should remove them and throw it away, it is very bitter. Monkey accepted and when the bubble settled on top of the water, Monkey removes them and throws them away. As monkey did that, he saw Spider been amount the bubble. Spider quickly run and hires behind the wall. That is way spider continues to hide behind wall. After the story they all went to their various hats and the elder slept with Papa Grandoo.

Like the flash of the knife, day break. All the four people who were to conduct the test were present. Papa Grandoo was ready, and you could see Mama Kande on her hat waiting. That day the woman is supposed to ware white dress, so Mama Kande was in her white dress. The hat on which the test was to be conducted was neatly swept and dressed. They were all waiting for the elder of the husband clan to give them the permission to enter and start the test. After the test, the result will be presented to the elders, who will then give their verdict. You can now go inside”, said the elders, where is Mama Kande” asked the elder from her clan, I am here” she said.

They went inside, Mama Kande undress and went straight to the bed. Papa Grandoo did his undressing in a slow and lackadaisical manner. The four judges were standing. Papa Grandoo climbed the bed. He lay on top of Mama Kande and nothing seems to be happening. He was just there, no action, as his side was expecting excellent performance. His elder brother, who was part of the judges, filled disgrace. He went straight to the bed and used his left hand to slab Papa Grandoo buttons and said “get-up”, look inside my clothing, I said look inside my clothing this is still in the afternoon. He was pointing at his mammalian pendulum that has just grown and could not find a place to hide in his pyjamas. What happened if it were night? He asked Papa Grandoo.

The four panels of judgers, came out from the room, went straight to the elders. They were in a hurry to hear the result. They started asking “what is the result”, who is at fault or everything went well, Papa Groundoo brother told them the outcome of the test. Right from there the elder of the Papa Grandoo clan pronounce that the marriage between Papa Grounds and Mama Kande should come to an end. I stood here, by the power vested on me by the clan, I brings this marriage, which were blessed by our forth father and ancestor to an end, said the elder. Mama Kande side accepted the verdict and she packed and went back to his father’s house to start a new life all over.

It was a love at first sight, when Alhaji Yaro saw Mama Kande in funeral ceremony at his community. Alhaji Yaro has heard so much about the divorce of a woman, who was so loyal to his husband to the external that she could not exposed her husband sexual inability to her parent. So he needed a woman to add as a second wife, and when he finally have opportunity to see Mama Kande he fall in love with her. Alhaji quickly arranged and meet Mama Kande. The necessary introduction was made. He sympathizes with her for all that she has gone through.

Then finally, Alhaji Yaro let the cat out of the bag.  Mama Kande immediately, I saw you, I have a feeling that you can be my “Komlena” said Alhaji Yaro. Meaning he want Mama Kande to be his second wife. She was sharked and kept quite for sometime. She finally made her mind and thought, well it was a dream come true, since she need a man, who can give her a child.

Late that year, Alhaji Yaro, made the knocking to the family of Mama Kande . He went and seeks the hand of Mama Kande in marriage. The family members deliberated on the issue made their investigation and finally uninominously accepts to give her hand in marriage to Alhaji Yaro. Eventually the traditional marriage ceremony was performed and she became the second wife of Alhaji Yaro.

On one occasion Mama Kande confided in Alhaji Yaro, she was seriously missing the reality of marriage life in her first marriage. To be frank I did not known any emotional satisfaction, I was completely lost, she said. I do not know life can be that sweet, if you have a husband who is caring and fulfill all your needs including emotional.

Within two years of Mama Kande marriage she had her daughter, Fatima. She could not give birth against due to her age. As she watched her only daughter grow, she would not, let anything that will disturb the wills and wished of her only daughter. As Fatima attained the age, of eighteen, she knew, she will soon be going into the institution of marriage. There is therefore, the need to prepare her towards any traditional beliefs that may be an obstacle on her daughter way. She will not allow any body, not even the elders of their clan to force Fatima to marry any man that she-Fatima doesn’t love.

Today as Mama Kande had the opportunity to sit with her only daughter, like the previous she had the advice for her only daughter. Fatima, I will not let you life to be ruin like mine. I wish you have two more siblings, but I could not. You will have the liberty to select any man of your choice as your husband. I will not allow you to be affected by the so called beliefs of our forefather/ancestors.

When I looked back, at my past, I am still wondering whether it was a destiny or a tradition.

All names, characters and incident portrayed in this document are fictitious. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead is purely coincidental.